Let’s talk about corporate values, ladies and gentlemen. That great labyrinth of buzzwords and jargon, plastered on office walls, nested in company handbooks, and chanted in boardroom meetings like some arcane business liturgy.

It’s the roaring engine that propels those 500-page PowerPoint presentations, making the likes of death by slideshow a sadly unreported global pandemic. Trust me, I have a background in MBA Finance, and I’ve seen more slides than a water park in July.

Act 1: The Proclamation

Here’s the usual plot: One fine day, a company decides they need “values”. Not the kind you find in the discount aisle at Walmart, but the abstract, ethereal, let’s-make-a-difference kind. The c-suite executives, who’ve clearly read too many self-help books, spend a day at an offsite team building exercise (AKA ‘The-Company-Paid-for-a-Junket’) and create a polished list of values.

Words like “integrity”, “innovation”, “commitment”, and “sustainability” are thrown around with the same abandon as a drunk uncle at a wedding reception. These newly minted corporate commandments are then forged into stainless steel plaques, slapped onto every empty wall space, and etched into employees’ nightmares.

Act 2: The False Dawn

For a while, everything seems peachy. The executives beam, radiating the warm glow of moral superiority. Employees walk around the office quoting Gandhi, while the company’s social media team Tweets #WeStandForSomething and #CompanyValues at an alarming rate.

I’m reminded of that old joke: “How do you know if a company has core values? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.”

Act 3: The Test

Then comes the test. A significant decision has to be made. It’s a tough one. The kind that has ‘moral dilemma’ written all over it in neon lights. It’s like choosing between a steady income and a career in comedy writing. Let’s say, for instance, a lucrative contract with a company whose environmental record is sketchier than a 3-year-old’s art project.

This is the moment when the corporate values, previously treated with the reverence of sacred scrolls, get swiftly replaced with the Magna Carta of corporate existence: “The Balance Sheet”.

Act 4: The Juggling Act

Suddenly, those stainless-steel-plaqued values start to feel a bit more like suggestions. “Surely sustainability meant sustainable profits, right?” “And innovation could mean innovative accounting practices?” The mental gymnastics performed here could put an Olympic athlete to shame.

As we navigate this hilariously uncomfortable moment, it’s the perfect time for a joke: Why did the corporate accountant cross the road? Because that’s where the loopholes are!

Act 5: The Awakening

But fear not, dear reader! All is not lost. For every corporation that takes a flying leap over its values, there’s another who decides to stand its ground. After all, if our two core values are fun and profitability, why can’t they coexist?

Perhaps it’s not a comedy after all. It’s a choose-your-own-adventure story. And as long as there’s a choice, there’s hope. So here’s to the companies who not only talk the talk but walk the walk, all while maintaining a sense of humor.

And to the others… well, at least you’re providing plenty of material for comedy writers like me!

So there you have it folks. The hilarious, twisted, tragicomedy of corporate values. Remember, it’s all fun and games until someone loses their integrity. But then again, as they say in finance, that’s just the “cost of doing business”. Don’t worry, though – it’s all tax-deductible!